In The News ...

O'Neal B.A. - Shaquille O'Neal has earned his bachelor's degree from LSU. Of course, when he was playing there, classes were like free throws. He missed most of them. (Alan Ray)

Chicks Labeled: A study says video games reinforce sexist stereotypes of women. Not everyone agrees with the finding. "That's absurd," say producers of the newest Playstation CD, Charlie's Angels 2001. (Ray)

Curb Aggression: Ten health organizations have asked Hollywood to curb violence in movies. They say films shouldn't be teaching kids that aggression is the way to solve problems. That's what we have football for. (Ray)

Like A Virgin: In its monthly magazine, the Church of England has hailed Britney Spears as quote, "a great ambassador to virginity." Reached for comment, today, President George W. Bush, said, "Sorry, I've already promised that job to someone else." (Steve Voldseth)

Breaker, breaker: NBC News revealed the Secret Service code names for the incoming leaders. George W. Bush's code name is "tumbler." This sounds like an insult. Tumblers tend to be plastic and cheap, and come to you empty inside. (Burkard)

Princely Duties: Prince William, doing a 10-week volunteer trip to Chile found himself cleaning public toilets. Apparently, England's future king was dealt a "royal flush." (Bill Williams/ acmehumor@aol.com)

Later Lost: NBC has canceled the late, late night talk show "Later". The program reportedly was having trouble going head to head with its chief competitor in the 2 AM time slot. Sleep. (Ray)

Guard In Trouble: In Pennsylvania, a 42-year-old female prison guard is in trouble for allegedly having regular sex with inmates. They say that, if convicted, she could receive a sentence of up to five years away from prison. (Steve Voldseth)

Trouble II: Prison officials went on to say, however, that any sentence the woman receives would be reduced for time serviced. (Voldseth)

Trouble III: Prison officials also said that her sentence would be reduced one year for every year of good behavior and two years for every year of really good behavior. (Voldseth)

Cable Host: Former D.C. mayor Marion Barry has a signed a five-figure deal for a weekly cable TV show. I believe they're calling it--

--"Touched by Some Angel Dust."

--"Just Shoot Me Up."