Film Reviews - Suck-O-Matic rating system

No Suction!

Go out and watch this movie right now! There aren't many of these. Usually there was something very special about the film, perhaps superior production values, or great character development. In any event, the movie was so good, it couldn't get the vacuum motor started.

Slight Suction!

Well, this movie isn't perfect. The vacuum motor got started, and the golf ball is being sucked into the hose. Usually movies like this are great, but there's just a little something that was annoying. Perhaps the movie could have been 20 minutes shorter to make it better, or the Chinese girl had green eyes. You know, little stuff. Fortunately, there are a lot of these films.

Jammed Pipe!

Damn we had high hopes for this film, but it sucks so bad the golf ball is forever jammed in the pipe. Looks like we're going to need a new Hoover. This film might be worth seeing if it has special appeal to you. Perhaps you like mud wrestling movies.

Dust Bag Full

Who made this movie? Who did they sleep with to get it made? Our poor little golf ball is forever lost the in a full dust bag. If only I were lost in a theatre watching a good film!

Sucks and Blows!

Avoid this movie at all costs. You're wasting your money, time, and brain cells. Find something else to watch, like snow on your TV. These aren't the droids you're looking for.

No Tickets

Technically, this isn't a reviewed movie. It's a film we have decided not to risk our money on. Either the trailer sucked too much, or it's a star and/or director we can't stand, or perhaps it's another movie where someone thought taking a five-minute skit from Saturday Night Live might make a good 100-minute film. Not on our dime. Of course, if the studio would like to invite us to a screening...