The Dictionary - U

Umbrella

1. A movable roof.

Umfriend

1. A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh.. Dale, my...um...friend..."

Unabated

1. A fishhook without a worm.

Uncle

1. A relative who only seem to like you when he needs something done for him.

Under Consideration

1. We're trying to find it in the files.

Under Mouse Arrest

1. Getting busted for violating an on-line service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Unemployment

1. An intelligent alternative to overwork.

Unimpeachable Source

1. The guy that started the rumor in the first place.

Uninstalled

1. Euphemism for being fired.

United States Congress, The

1. Where sanity goes to die.

United States Senate, The

1. Where legislation goes to die.

UNIX

1. A computer operating system which has had its balls cut off.

Unlimited

1. When not used in Advertising: Without Bounds.
2. When used in Advertising: See fine print.

Unwed Mother

1. One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.

Upper Crust

1. A number of persons stuck together by their dough.

Uptitling

1. Tendency for employers to give workers grander-sounding job titles in lieu of pay rises, eg technical horticultural maintenance officers (gardeners).

Urine

1. Opposite of "you're out."

Urination

1. What Israel was told in 1948.

Useless As Tits on a Bull

1. Computer Salesperson
2. Convenience Store Clerk
3. Product Marketing Manager
4. You after five drinks

User

1. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
   • Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
   • Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
   • Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.

User-Friendly

1. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Ushers

1. The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Uterus

1. The tiny organ that stretches during pregnancy to the size of the Superdome.