The Dictionary - M

Macadam

1. The first man on Earth, according to the Scottish Bible.

Machine-Independent Program

1. A Program that will not run on any machine.

Macho

1. Jogging a minimum of five miles back home from your own vasectomy.

Macro

1. The last half of the expression "Holy Macro!"

Madam

1. Someone for whom the belles toil.

Magi

1. The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Maintenance Release

1. Another software development term. This happens after FCS, maybe about a month or two later. There have been so many calls to complain that the company decides to fix the most complained-about bugs. This usually changes the software version. In general, two decimal places to the right means a minor bug fix (as in Spoogie 1.01), where just one decimal place to the right (Spoogie 1.1), means the company was really annoyed at the phone calls.

Major

1. Area of study that no longer interests you.

Major Scale

1. What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"

Makeup

1. Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

Man Hater

1. A girl who makes love with her eyes closed because she can't stand to see a guy having a good time.

Manager

1. Someone who doesn't know how to do your job, who tells you how to do your job. (Read Catch-22 for details.)

Manger

1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Marionettes

1. Residents of Washington, D.C., who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Marketing

1. Lying in loafers.

Marketing Executive

1. A drooler in loafers.

Marriage

1. The evil aye.
2. Oceans of emotion surrounded by expanses of expenses.

Martial Arts

1. A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

Martian Mail

1. Mail that was not addressed to you, but you did receive. Here's an example of Martian Mail received by LowComDom.
   
   Dear, Smookums,
   Oh, how I miss you! I can't wait for you to come home so we can go to the nudist beach and...
   
   Well now, this is a family dictionary, now isn't it? I think we've made our point.

Masseuse

1. A woman who doesn't keep her hands to herself.

Maternity Dressmaker

1. A mother frocker.

Math Anxiety

1. An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

Mature Student

1. Annoying, 30+ class member, who takes up the professor's time with their inane anecdotes, and irrelevant questions and comments, e.g. "Professor Smith, didn't I see you at that Village People concert in '74?"

Maybe

1. No.

Meatspace

1. The physical world (as opposed to the virtual). Also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

Medical Staff

1. A doctor's cane.

Meeting

1. A mass mulling by master-minds where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
2. An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.

Megaflop

1. The worst movie you ever saw.

Memory Dump

1. Amnesia.

Mermaid

1. A bottomless girl in a topless suit.

Metallurgist

1. A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or common ore.

Meteorologist

1. A man who can look into a girl's eyes and predict whether.

Meter Maid

1. A person who always does a fine day's work.

Microphone

1. Makes audio (see Television Audio). Also insignificant.

Microsecond

1. The amount of time it takes for a program to crash.
2. The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Microwave Oven

1. Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Midget

1. Center engine of a three-engine fast plane.

Midnight Oil

1. What you make popcorn in.

Milk

1. A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

Minicomputer

1. A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.

Minimum

1. A very small mother.

Minor Operation

1. Somebody else's.

Minute Man

1. A fellow who double parks in front of a house of ill-repute.

Mirror

1. A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging fashion models.

Misery

1. The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are so much alike."

Misfortune

1. The kind of fortune that never misses.

Mistress

1. Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mixed Emotions

1. Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new Mercedes/Cadillac/BMW...

Mobile Phone

1. An electronic Swiss Army Knife. It can play music, take pictures, store data, and calculate your mobile phone bill. The one thing it doesn't do very well is send and receive voice communications.

Modem

1. What you did to the hay fields.

Modesty

1. Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.

Monitor

1. The thing you're looking at.

Monkey Time

1. Any duration when your lover picks pimples, blackheads and fleas off of you.

Monophobia

1. The fear of not being able to listen to the radio in stereo.

Morality

1. That instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave.

Morning Sickness

1. An opportunity to see if the inside of your toilet bowl is really clean.

Morology

1. The study of stupidity.

Mosher's Law of Software Engineering

1. Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.

Mosquito

1. An insect that makes you like flies better.

Motel

1. A love-inn.

Mother

1. The person who feeds the mouth that bites her.

Motherhood

1. The longest guilt trip you'll ever take.

Mother-in-law

1. A ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgements.

Mourner

1. Same as a "nooner" -- only sooner.

Mouse

1. An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Mouse Pad

1. Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Mouse Potato

1. The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

Mouth

1. The grocer's friend, the dentist's fortune, the orator's pride, and the fool's trap.

Mr. Cole's Axiom

1. The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Mung

1. The small dry or semi-dry puddle of coffee found in the bottom of neglected cups.

Munts

1. Calendar divisions.

Museum

1. A collection of stuff. If it was your stuff, you wife would tell you to throw it away. The difference between your stuff and a museum is the admission price.

Mush

1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

Mysore

1. A city in south west India
2. What you get for wearing corduroy pants on a hot summer day.

Myth

1. A female moth.