The Dictionary - H

H-Hour

1. When it's is scheduled to hit the fan.

Hacksaw

1. One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Hairdresser

1. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

Hallelujah

1. It's not mine!

Hammer

1. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Hamper

1. A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

Hamster

1. An analog engine.

Handicap

1. A ready-to-use hat.

Handi-Wipes

1. Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

Handkerchief

1. Cold Storage.

Hand Scanner

1. Singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings.

Handicap

1. A ready-to-use hat.

Hands

1. Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

Hanging

1. A suspended sentence.

Hangnail

1. Coat hook.

Hangover

1. The wrath of grapes.

Hanlon's Razor

1. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. See Finagle's Law

Happily Married Couple

1. Husband out with another man's wife.

Happiness

1. The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.

Happy Meal

1. Supping on the product of an assembly line while a clown tests his blood sugar.

Hard Drive

1. The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

Hardware

1. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Hardware Store

1. Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out any time soon.

Hari-Kari

1. Transporting a wig.

Harquebus

1. An early portable gun used by 16th century postal workers.

Harrison's Postulate

1. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Harrow

1. To cause stress.
2. A greeting in North Korea.

Has Beans

1. Used coffee grounds.

Hearsay

1. What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Heat

1. The waste product of the universe.

Hebort

1. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

Hebrute

1. Israeli aftershave.

Heck

1. Where people go when they don't believe in gosh.

Heidi

1. Greeting.

Help

1. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Hemaglobe

1. The bloody state of the world.

Hemorrhoid

1. A male from outer space.

Henpecked Husband

1. One who is afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he is sterile.

Herbert

1. The middle name of Jesus H. Christ.

Herbivore

1. Dinner

Hereditary

1. If your parents can't have children, neither can you. Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic.

Hermaphrodite

1. A guy/girl who really can go fuck them self.

Hide and Sick

1. A game played on any ocean liner by the passengers.

High Concept

1. Low brow.

High Dome

1. Egghead, scientist, Ph.D.

High Society

1. A group of high-class horse's asses.

Hindsight

1. What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

Hipatitis

1. Terminal coolness.

Hire Yew

1. (Southern) Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
   Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

Ho-Hump

1. Really bad sex.

Hoare's Law of Large Problems

1. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Hockey

1. The National Dental Plan of Canada
2. The favorite sport of organ donors, and dentists.

Holy Water

1. A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Homage

1. French for "stealing".

Home Cooking

1. The place many a man thinks his wife is.

Homemade Bread

1. An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

Homo Sapien

1. A species with a God complex.

Homosexual

1. A man's man.

Honey

1. Bee vomit.

Hong Kong

1. China Lite

Hook

1. A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
2. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel.
3. The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Hooker

1. A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.

Horizon

1. A call girl hopping out of bed.

Horticulture

1. The study of prostitutes.

Hospitality

1. Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Hour Glassing

1. Waiting for your computer to finish a task.

Houseplants

1. Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet.

HR

1. Hardly Relevant.

Huh?

1. The first word a convenience store worker learns. Conversations goes something like this.
   YOU: I'd like change for a dollar.
   HIM: Huh?
   It rarely gets past this.
2. Counter-Intelligence.

Human

1. A complex mechanism used to convert coffee into urine.
2. A species in complete conflict with itself. The fat want to be thin. The thin want to be fat. The light-skinned want to be dark. The dark-skinned want to light.

Human Resources

1. The layoff People.

Humor

1. A feat, after the invention of language, which is man's proudest achievement.

Hungarian

1. A very well-endowed man from Gary, Indiana.

Hunger

1. What the posse did to the lady rustler.

Hybrid Car

1. Latin for "gutless wonder".

Hydraulic Floor Jack

1. Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Hydroponic Gardening

1. Using a plant to convert water into yard work.

Hymn

1. A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

Hypochondriac

1. A guy who won't let well enough alone.