The Dictionary - C

Cache Memory

1. Remembering how much you have spent.
2. A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.

Caesarean Section

1. A district in Rome.

Cafeteria

1. From Latin "cafe" ("place to eat") and "teria" ("to wretch").

Caffeine

1. One of the four basic food groups.

Calculated Risk

1. A computer date with a girl who doesn't take the Pill.

Call

1. What you can't do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart.

Calorie

1. Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Camera

1. A device used to take pictures. The pointed end goes toward the scene you want to photograph.

Cannibal

1. Someone who is fed up with people.
2. One who loves his fellow man with gravy.

Canoe

1. An object that acts like a small boy ... it behaves better when paddled from the rear.
2. Watercraft. The correct boat to navigate Shit Creek.

Cantaloupe

1. Gotta get married in a church.

Car Pool

1. Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Carcinoma

1. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Cardiology

1. Advanced study of poker playing.

Careful Driver

1. The fellow who has made the last payment on his car.

Carpet

1. A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile.
2. Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

Carrier Detect

1. "I see the mail man!"

Carry-on Bag

1. An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says, the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide-screen projection TVs.

Cashtration

1. The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Castration

1. A eunuch experience.

Caterpallor

1. The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Cat Scan

1. Searching for one's lost kitty.

Cauterize

1. Made eye contact with her.

CD-R

1. Compact Disc Recordable A disc 12 centimeters in diameter, 1.2 millimeters thick, built of polycarbonate plastic, aluminum, and acrylic which can record and store up to 783 megabytes of pornography.

Coconut

1. Someone that's cuckoo for Cocopuffs^®.

Cello

1. The proper way to answer the phone.

Censor

1. One who sticks his no's into other people's business.

Certified Preowned Car

1. It was only driven by a Little Old Lady from Pasadena to church on Sunday. Honest!

CGI Joe

1. A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chachka

1. Yiddish: Trinket.
2. American: Worthless piece of shit.

Chaining

1. A method of securing programmers to their desks to speed up their productivity.

Chainsaw Consultant

1. An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chalk Fairy

1. Term used to describe mysterious police officers who feel the need to draw lines around the body and then disappear when investigators attempt to find out who contaminated the scene.

Channels

1. The trails left by inter-office memos.

Charm

1. The ability to make someone else think that both of you are quite wonderful.

Checkpoint

1. A location from which the programmer draws his salary.

Chemistry

1. The building blocks of the universe which can been screwed with to make cookies and marijuana, thus encompassing both supply and demand.

Cherry Cobbler

1. A virgin shoemaker.

Chicago

1. Where the dead still vote ... early and often!

Chickens

1. The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Childbirth

1. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "Focus ... breath ... push ..."

Childhood

1. That happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep.
2. A wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath.
3. The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.

China

1. Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

Chips

1. The junk food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

Chips and Salsa

1. Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Chivalry

1. A man's inclination to save a woman from everyone but himself.

Choir

1. A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Chutzpapa

1. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Chyron

1. A bastard child of Ms. Pacman which puts letters and numbers on the TV screen. Also useful for doubling the effectiveness of the four seconds the weatherman has on the air.

Cigarette

1. A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

Circumvent

1. The opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Clarification

1. To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

Clarinet

1. Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.

Classic

1. A book which people praise and don't read.

Clear Conscience

1. Poor memory.

CLM

1. Career-limiting move. Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Clothes Dryer

1. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Clown Shoes

1. Any item, person, or organizatin that can not be taken seriously.

Coach

1. A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new Corvette.

Coaster

1. Unusable CDs sent to you by AO-Hell.

Cobra

1. Bra worn by Siamese twins.

Cobweb Site

1. A World Wide Web site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

Coffee

1. Break Fluid.
2. A person who is coughed upon.

Coffee, Arab

1. Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices.

Cohort

1. A backup hort that switches in if the primary hort fails or goes on a coffee break.

Cold Feet

1. The ailment you get when you know what the consequences are going to be.

Cold War

1. The nightly battle between man and wife to secure and hold all the blankets.

College

1. That brief interlude of freedom a young man has between subjection to his mother and submission to his wife.
2. A place which just slows up your education by four years.
3. 6.5 years of a youth's life spent on football games, beer, downloading illegal music, spring break, summer vacation, and the occasional class.
4. The end of adolescence, the beginning of adulthood where everyone expects you to do one more incredibly stupid thing. Your parents pray you will survive.

Comma

1. What a medium falls into.

Commercials

1. What the TV station is on the air to broadcast.

Commitment

1. Female Interpretation: A desire to get married and raise a family.
2. Male Interpretation: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Committee

1. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Communication

1. Female Interpretation: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
2. Male Interpretation: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Communist

1. A person who believes that any man who has more money than he, is the oppressor of the masses.

Complaint

1. A grief resume.

Completion Date

1. The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Compulsive Gambler

1. A guy who would rather lay a bet.

Computer

1. Up until 1945 a computer was a human being who did mathematical calculations. Of course, with modernization comes mechanization. The computer union couldn't hold back technology. Computers became first mechanical, then electronic. And the study of mathematics became the "New Math" where 1 + 1 equals 3 in large values of 1.
2. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

Computer Salesperson

1. A person without the ethics to be a used car salesperson. The job also requires that you have absolutely no knowledge of computers. See also "Useless As Tits on a Bull"

Computer Scientist

1. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

Condescend

1. A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope.

Condominium

1. A condom for midgets.

Conference

1. A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and loneliest of thought so the members can get more per-meeting pay.

Confidence

1. The feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Congenital

1. Friendly.

Congress

1. A strange forum where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs.
2. A group which is often immobilized by greedlock.
3. A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen -- and not enough U.S. Congressmen.

Connoisseur

1. One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.

Conservative

1. A fellow who, in his heart, really believes a rich person should get a square deal.
2. A liberal who has been mugged by reality.
3. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils -- as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them in new sins.
4. A person who gets credited for a political stance when he is only stupid.
5. A person whose mind is always open to new ideas -- as long as they are the same as the old ones.
6. A politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.
7. The quintessential foot-dragger.

Constant

1. A type of pressure.

Consultant

1. Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or office.
2. A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

Contraceptive

1. A labor-saving device to be worn on every conceivable occasion.

Contractor

1. A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Conversation Piece

1. A girl who likes to talk in bed.

Cook

1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom's other name.

Cookie

1. The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Coordinator

1. The guy who has a desk between two expeditors.

Core Storage

1. A receptacle for the center section of apples.

Cortizone

1. The local courthouse.

Cosmopolitan Magazine

1. Porn for women.

Couch Potato

1. What mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

Counter-Intelligence

1. See "Huh?"

Cousin

1. The relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.

CPU

1. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Crambo

1. Watching a Stallone movie a dozen times in a week.

Crapplet

1. A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Cravings

1. An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Creds

1. Credentials

Crew

1. A type of haircut favored by Reagan supporters.
2. A collective name for the group of peons who cover up for the television director.

Critical Path Method

1. A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

Cross-Country Skiing

1. Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-traveling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-Or-Other

1. Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Cube Farm

1. An office filled with cubicles.

Cum Laude

1. How students in southern universities call dogs named "Laude."

Cup Holder

1. A CD-ROM Drive.

Cymbal

1. What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.