The Dictionary - A

Aaaack

1. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning... and you don't know where the spider is.

Abbreviation

1. An inordinately long word in light of its meaning.

Abdicate

1. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Ability

1. That virtue which you are forced to use if your boss has no daughter.
2. What you have to get by on if you don't kiss-up to the boss.

Absent

1. The notation generally following your name in a class record.

Abstainer

1. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Access Time

1. Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense.

Accidents

1. An ironically twisted word, because, while people cause most accidents, it is also true that accidents cause most people.

Accordion

1. A bagpipe with pleats

Accumulator

1. The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer. You know... The Price Tag.

Acid

1. Better living through chemistry.

Action Figure

1. A doll given to boys by homophobic fathers.

Acute Alcoholic

1. An attractive drunk.

ADA

1. Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."

Adminisphere

1. The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Admissions Office

1. Where they take you to get you to admit you've mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."

Adolescence

1. The age between puberty and adultery.

Adult

1. A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
2. Dirty

Adult Film

1. A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old.

Adultery

1. When a husband is too good to be true.

Advertising

1. See Deception

Afterbirth

1. When the hard part begins.

Aibohphobia

1. The fear of palindromes.

Air Compressor

1. A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Air Traffic Control

1. A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.

Airhead

1. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Airplane

1. What mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.

Alcoholic

1. A person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Algorithm

1. The Vice President of the United States of America attempting to sing doo-wop.

Alien

1. What mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

Alimentary Canal

1. The passage through the human body from which President Reagan's "trickle down" therory of economics was based.

Alimony

1. The high cost of leaving.

All

1. (Southern) A petroleum-based lubricant.

Allege

1. A high rock shelf.

Alp

1. One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Alpha

1. Alpha is the first letter in the Greek alphabet. In ancient Greece, Alpha was used to refer to things that didn't meet specifications, such as a Parthenon that fell on someone's head. The first "test" version of a piece of computer software is referred to as an Alpha release. It should never be loaded into your computer's memory. However, you can have endless hours of fun loading it into the computer of the guy who sits next to you.

Alpha Geek

1. The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Altos

1. Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

Ambiguity

1. The lack of clarity in speech.
2. The language of politics and statesmanship.

Ambulance

1. A vehicle used to show Lawyers where the accident is.

Amen

1. The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Ammo Truck

1. A U.S.P.S. delivery vehicle.

Amnesia

1. The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Amniocentesis

1. Seedling needling.

Anal

1. If you know what it means ... you are!

Anal Probe

1. Another thing you shouldn't share.

Anatomy

1. One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves.

Anesthetic

1. The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor.

Antibody

1. Against everyone.

Anus

1. Adolf Hitler's middle name.

Apocalipstick

1. What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house.

Apocryphal

1. A statement or story which is widely ciculated, believed to be true, but probably isn't. This includes the collective works of Dick Chenney, Michael Moore, and that loser sitting next to you at the bar. See also most of the information the government tells you.

Apple

1. Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

Arachnoleptic Fit

1. The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Argument

1. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Arpeggio

1. "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Arson

1. Our daughters brother.

Art

1. A creative work which inspires an emotional reaction. This guy's reaction is, "Who bought this shit?"

Artery

1. The study of fine paintings.

Artificial Insemination

1. Copulation without representation.

Artificial Intelligence (AI)

1. The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. The trouble with AI is that human beings are really stupid!

Artist

1. What a television director thinks he is.

Asphalt

1. Rectal Trouble

Assembly Language

1. Put tab A into slot B, then put tab C...

Assmosis

1. The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Assumed Decimal Point

1. Located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth.

Attraction

1. The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

Auditor

1. A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.

Author

1. A person who is usually write.
2. A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

Auto Erotic

1. Lusting after a Corvette.

Autobiography

1. A history of cars.

Automated

1. A couple making love in a car.

Automobile

1. A payment plan on wheels.

Avalanche

1. A mountain getting its rocks off.
2. One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Avowal

1. a, e, I, o, u, and sometimes y