LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
you get a dozen long-stemmed red roses, and they're not from your S.O.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
Why Microsoft's ticker symbol should be SPQR.
A Letter From Management
I consider you the Hunter S. Thompson of The Valley. You expose the ugly ulcerous hairy ass side of working for a living. (Dont I sound like an H.R. rep!)
You need ugly and I got just the thing. I have convinced Harry to join the Dark Side. I have stuck a manager trainee hat on him and given him an organ grinder and told him "make you budget!" So far The P.I.C. is on the fast track to oblivion! I caught him shoving 120 volts up his ass and then wonder if his fingernails would blink on and off! Such is the life of a manager trainee ( remember its the amps that will kill you).
I just wish I could find some Barry Manilow to listen to late on Friday afternoons when I'm feeling all sensitive and shit.
Vice President and damn proud of it!
It took an awful lot of digging, but I managed to find a little Manilow while volunteering at the Old Folks' Home. Let me know if you need any Michael Bolton. Give a click here next Friday when you're feeling all "sensitive and shit". Ask Harry to install Real Player for you. If Harry wants to be a manager, he needs to form a committee to create a project to explore who to delegate this task to. You should be listening to the tunes in a year and a half.
Recently, I watched The Learning Channel's ROME: Power & Glory mini-series. About half way through the six hours, a realization came to me. Stick with me on this one.
Rome began as a small town. It was dominated by Etruscan kings. The Romans became fed up with the Etruscans and kicked them out. The Etruscans lived across the river. So in what Rome viewed as a defensive move, it sacked the Etruscan city. After capturing this new territory, Rome discovered there was another city on the other side of the Etruscan city. Paranoia caused the Romans to surmise that some day that city might attack Rome. So just to be safe, and for defensive purposes only, Rome sacked the city. As Rome's territory continued to grow, there was always another city on the horizon, always the paranoia that the new city was a threat, and always the city would be sacked starting the cycle all over. Rome became an empire by accident of their paranoid view of the world.
1565 years after Rome was sacked by the barbarians, Bill Gates started Microsoft Corporation. Microsoft started very small producing computer languages. Microsoft was dominated by IBM in the early 80's. Microsoft had a contract to supply languages for the new IBM PC. It was later forced to obtain an operating system (OS). DOS was found and purchased across town.
Eventually, Microsoft tired of its IBM overlords and revolted against them. Although Microsoft did not sack IBM, it did help many others wrestle the PC away from Big Blue. Microsoft owned the OS of the computer that was taking off in business. The company shifted it's focus away from languages to the OS cash cow. New OS's that came on the market were looked at with paranoia. Would this new system kill Microsoft? Just to be safe, Microsoft campaigned heavily against any new OS to the point of killing them. Next Microsoft moved into the business applications market. Just to be safe, all competitors had to be executed. Like Rome, a cycle of paranoia kept Microsoft conquering, discovering new companies to become paranoid about and conquering again. Microsoft became a technology empire much the same way the Roman Republic grew to empire.
What will be Microsoft's fate? If I could make that prediction, I wouldn't have to go to work. But if Microsoft is mimicking Roman history, it will begin to crumble when it no longer has new companies to conquer. In the case of Rome physical barriers prevented its continued expansion. Also, twelve hundred years after founding the city, the empire was corrupt and ineffective. Like Rome, Microsoft has absorbed technology of those it has conquered. It has invented very little. When we run out of companies for Microsoft to absorb, it's golden age may end, and it may be the beginning of its downfall. Or I might just be full of it.
'Jacko' to Become Asian in New Millenium!
King of Pop says, "Third time's the charm!"
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"I forgot to pee in the pool."
"Someone set off a snot bomb in my sinuses"
"I haven't seen anyone wear a purple suit since Donny Osmond in the 1970's."
"No one is sitting near Twitch-Boy."
"Looks like the NASA experiment had a few side effects."
"Tony is Gui-Man."
"You worry me."
"Zig Heil, baby."
"You miss spelled 'resignation'."
I must blow my nose.
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 1999 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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