The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

They wait to do the product launch until after you get back from vacation.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Taking no prisoners with the Bible Thumpers.

Take A Letter

Ravi in Cube 69 writes...

Dear Fek'Lar,

What's for lunch?

Kind Wishes,

Ravi
Cube 69

Hey Rav,

I don't know what's for lunch today, but I know where I'd like it to be - Google.

I recently had lunch with Slave Boy. He's got a friend over at Google, and was invited to have a meal in the Google cafeteria. The description of the food was of a wonder of the world.

As you might have heard, Google has some pretty insane hiring practices. These include requiring you to submit college transcripts, and minimum GPA's. If you get the interview, you'll be asked a series of difficult puzzle questions. This doesn't make sense except for one reason, Google's founders are Ph.d.s and they want to build their own little university.

I was a solid C student. There's no way I'm ever going to get hired by Google. Well, not before they build that great big mountain of ice cream in hell. It doesn't matter that college was over two and a half decades ago for me, and even had I been a CS major, everything I would have been taught would be obsolete by now. I'm not getting hired.

So if you know anyone with a card key that works at the Googleplex let me know. I just want at lunch at the cafeteria.

Ding Dong

I don't have a problem with people and their religious views. I do have a problem when people want to cram their religion down my throat. Being a non-Christian in America, I do have to deal with this crap a lot. Amongst the "dealing with this crap" I have to do is work with the people who come to the front door of Casa de Fek in a vein attempt to save my soul.

In the past, I've always had a flippant remark for the Bible Thumpers. I tell the Jehovah's Witnesses that I didn't see the accident. When the Mormons ask if they can come in a bless the house, I ask them if they really think that when The Big One comes, God will spare my house just because they blessed it. When they say yes, I tell them they are conceited and slam the door. I think I've got something new, and much better.

I think you should have your religion, but you should keep it to yourself. Turns out Jesus agrees with me. Flip through that Bible you stole from the no-tell motel, to the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 6, verses 5-6. Oh, you're a heathen and don't have one? Let me help.

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

Ok, so Jesus and I think you should pray, but not on my door step. The next Holy Roller to show up will be asked to read these verses, after which I will tell them that I'm going to my closet now to pray for them and their hypocrite brotherhood.

I like Jesus, I just wish more of his followers did.

Take No Prisoners!

I'm in full Barbarian Mode these days. This happens whenever the doo doo hits the rotating blades. I just got a note that someone bought a bunch of fans and fed their pet yak some five week old cottage cheese. Fek-Lite as the Twinkee used to refer to my attitude is on hold.

The WTHAIS Sales Force has put a stop payment on its reality check. I'm getting little emails from people with little brains asking why the non-existent feature doesn't work. When I inform them that non-existent feature never worked, I get blow back that it worked in an earlier version, and that I need to fix what's wrong.

These are clearly people who should not be allowed to breed. They're too dumb to read things like Release Notes, and System Requirements. (How are they ever going to figure out Huggies?) Instead they agree to everything the customer asks for and then think that telling me how much money we are going to loose if the product isn't "fixed" is a great way to provide motivation. They would be wrong.

I have gone back to my old ways. I now call Account Managers into meeting rooms and chew them out while wearing my "Your Proctologist Called, They Found Your Head" T-shirt. I've gotten in touch with my inner sadist. When I'm in this mind set I figure that you're either with me, or with the terrorists... er, you're in need of some stress. The best way to apply stress to an Account Manager is to refuse to attend the conference call with the customer he has set up. If you don't show up, he'll have to do the bullshit tap dance.

Product Managers are on my craplist as well. These are the Gant Chart twits. It doesn't matter if the product is ready, or even economically viable, as long as it ships they get their bonus. If Product Management wrote the product spec for rain, it would be dry. When this inadequacy was pointed out, they would tell you "wet" was slated as a feature enhancement in the next version.

Barbarian Mode seems like a rational attitude if you ask me.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Porn Star Paris Hilton Engaged to OJ!

It's a Train Wreck Made in Heaven!

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"Check your 'give-a-shit' at the door."

"Did they create the UNIX password?"
"Must have, they closed the ticket."
"You're being irrationally optimistic."

"It's an ugly cathedral built on a dung heap."

"We're thinking of changing the group's name to 'Uncle Bob's Flea Circus'."

"This one time, at PHP camp..."

Excuse Me

I need to go throw something against the wall.

Fek'Lar
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!

Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.

From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.

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EOJ

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