Fek'Lar
(The Last Honest Geek)
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
your manager only wants to talk about "Adding Value" and you notice that his shoe laces are never tied.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
My take on TV, the future, and educating the enemy.
Some Bozo on the radio wants to send my used computers to Afghanistan to help them become computer literate. We've bombed them into the dirt age, now we're going to bring them into the computer age? Huh? Are you serial?
Why the hell would we want them to learn to use computers when there is still a large number of people living in Afghanistan (who are not necessarily Afghanis) who want to drive more of our planes into more of our skyscrapers? We know we didn't mop up all of the Taliban, and al Qaeda. Giving out computers means you are going to hand some of them to the enemy.
Considering that we are still feeding this country, what do we expect them to do with computers? (The recipe book arguement isn't going to fly.) Handing out machines isn't going to get crops in the ground. And let's realize that we appear to still be fighting with at least some of these people.
I know that when we drop food, we also aid the enemy as they run out with their AK-47 and scoop up as much as they can while shooting anyone who also tries to get a quick bite. But I'm willing to dump food because it will keep some people alive. Innocent people are starving. But until I stop hearing about the U.S. of A. being the Great Satan, that's where I draw the line. Starving people do not need computers for their survival. Let the Afghanis get their Arab brothers to foot the bill for computers.
Have you noticed that the major TV networks (and some of the minor local jokers) are putting so much crap on the screen that you can't actually see the show you tuned in to? News channels are the worse offenders, but the Discovery channel is almost comical. They put small animations on the screen to tell you that Prehistoric Snot will be on Wednesday at 8. You're so distracted by the mucus animation that you can't see In search of Armpit Hair which is what you wanted to see in the first place. Of course you only knew about the armpit hair show because they had an animation in the corner of Top 10 Sex Offenders which you never miss Sunday night.
By the way, I noticed that ABC is refering to this fall's 8 to 9 PM time period as the "Happy Hour". What? 3 or 4 drinks and the shows look pretty good?
I can't believe no one else has thought of this. The two basic staples of prime Time TV are the Sitcom and the Reality-based program. Why hasn't anyone thought about combining these?
I'm proposing to the networks as a mid-season replacement program (that means it starts in January when the Net needs to dump some piece of crap they bought) a show called "Survive This!" It's a Sitcom about people on a reality show. The secret of its success is its profitability. Only one episode is shot, but it is shown over and over again for the next 26 weeks. Just like the news.
Why I still Believe in the Internet
It's trying times in The Valley. The mass extinction of dotcoms is nearly at end. Little did the masses know that the second half of the '90's boom was a clever ploy to get enough apartments built so rents could be lowered.
Now, with marketing people and middle managers having to return to wince they came, and Santana Row not withstanding, the glut of apartments is here, courtesy of the Internet.
I believe in the Internet. Not only has it brought apartments and prosperity, it has a few practical uses. I have found Mrs. Fek'Lar, and my house on the Internet. I have bought airline tickets, hotel rooms, tours in third-world countries, movie tickets, books, CDs, and computers.
One of my favorite things about the Internet is I don't have to talk to as many humans. Not to sound like an elitist, but I will. Most of the people I come across in the sales and services areas don't seem to know anything about their products. The exception are the people who sell subscriptions to Mad Magazine. These guys naturally stand at a 45 degree angle. Buying a year's worth of their rag is like going to a comedy club. (Especially when you buy someone a gift subscription and want to insert "Sharkbait" as their middle name.)
So if you will crack open a Diet Coke, and whip out your dusty old copy of Inside the Tornado, or Crossing the Chasm, flip it over to the bell curve picture. I'm one of the early adopters. As soon as I got my first email account at Big A Software, I knew my BBS days were over. Now that the rest of North America, Europe, and certain parts of Asia have caught up, we have apartments and a long-term rosy future.
Most people have difficulties seeing the bright future ahead in this gloomy age. But think of this, most of the world's population is not yet online. Most of the Internet has not yet been built. Most of the services that will be offered on the net haven't been thought of. Most of our future hasn't been dreamed.
I can't tell you everything that is going to happen in the future (or I would have done much better in the stock market), but I can tell you with reasonable probability what won't happen. There will be no more over-funded companies without a business plan. (Did I just hear a resounding, "Duh!"? Okay, but where were you in 1998 when people who should have known better didn't?)
The Internet's greatest potential isn't bringing people together. Its real power is to drive down the cost of goods and services. (This is how we got that productivity boost in the late '90's.) Considering that every month we export money from the United States, we must make up for it with innovation and lower costs.
This isn't easy. Creating streamlined processes that are cheap and efficient takes a lot of work. You have to understand your business, and you have to have a clue as to why the Internet is going to help.
The days of losing money on every transaction but thinking you're going to make it up on volume are over; so is the idea that you must grab market share at all costs.
It's time to get real about this. For those who do, the future is bright in a semi-reasonably priced apartment.
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.
Bush Says, "Trees Pose Fire Hazard!"
After De-Forestation, President Will Drain Oceans to Rid U.S. of 'That Drowning Hazard'!"
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"Anything I don't know or understand is insignificant."
"When are they going to open 'Fat Gap'?"
"Have you heard of doing laundry?"
"I wasn't molesting the server. We were cuddling. And your system came on to me. OK! Women are naked in bed with hardware all the time and people think that is sexy but one night with me and a Sun server and no one treats me the same. Pure discrimination plain and simple."
"I usually try to play dumb."
"You're doing a hell of a job!"
"His territory is Asian and South America. Next week they are also going to add Africa"
"Boy, just when you think you've read the entire book of dumb, someone writes another chapter."
"I need that drug!"
"When I awaken in the morning, I have a big..."
"NEVER MIND!"
"After you left the meeting we decided that you should write a white paper. The deadline is tomorrow."
"Don't look at me, I don't have screw-up rights in that database."
Excuse Me
I must see what is obscured on TV.
Fek'Lar
(The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2002 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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EOJ
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