I see Steph has bought a new car. Next time we have a "mistake" we'll be painting it.
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
you can't get a dial tone on your DSL line.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
Complete Communication SNAFU
Take A Letter
A person who did not want to be identified wrote:
Fek'Lar,
I have a full load of work to do. People are leaving my work group. Every time someone leaves my boss dumps their work on me. When I tell him there's not enough time to do everything, he says I need to "make time" to do the work. I don't get it. How do I "make time"?
Name and Company Withheld Upon Request
Well Name Withheld Upon Request, "Make Time" is manager secret code for "Work More Hours". Perhaps your manager believes you are getting too much sleep at night and you could cut back on sleep hours to spend more "quality time" with the company. Has your manager said this to your co-workers, and if so, is this why so many people have jumped ship?
It's time to have a Diet Coke and reassess whether or not you want to continue to work for this yo-yo. If everyone is leaving, it might not be wise to be the last one out the door.
Those of you on the notification mailing list noticed a slightly different note. This is because the heads of our ISP's list server's hard drive noticed how clean and smooth the platters looked - right up to the moment they crashed into the platters.
Our ISP noticed that they had a lot more time to play Tidily-Winks if they didn't run backups of this machine. I noticed that if I mind-melded with the spirit of Elvis, I could sort of figure out who was on the list. The tech support folks at the ISP noticed how pissed off I am about the machine going Tits Up as LowComDom gave the ISP the finger and moved down the road.
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Everyone happy?
I see Steph has bought a new car. Next time we have a "mistake" we'll be painting it.
What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate
So I plowing through my work at WTHAIS minding my own business when the VP of PR flushes a new press release on the company. I open it up to see what new shit we've thought up. Oh, according to this, we're figured out how to dial on a DSL line. Spotting the mistake I reply to the VP of PR pointing out the mistake.
"Uh, one does not use a dialer to access a DSL line. Where did anyone get this idea?"
The flame back was straight out of hell.
"Constructive feedback and comments are always appreciated. Sarcasm is not. Hopefully you use better tact with our customers."
Huh? I needed some clarity.
"There is no sarcasm here. The press release is wrong!"
More hell fire came my way.
"We are aware of that as is Product Mktg which is where we got the info. That is not the point. The point is your lack of communications skills."
I love this shit! She sends out an inaccurate press release and I have a lack of communications skills! This is Prime Grade A Management Bullshit. This is the type of anecdote that causes me to be skeptical any time a manager says anything.
There are so few managers you can even call decent in this world, that you know the others are dry labbing life. It's gotten to the point where when a manager tells me that water is wet, I go check before using the information.
The other really interesting tidbit I have also concluded is that our Marketing department spends half their time promoting each other and sending out company-wide announcements about how great they are.
"Bob Smith has been promoted to Senior Director of Corporate Strategic Bullshit! Bob's been very instrumental in his previous role of Director of Channel Misinformation. Give Bob a pat on the back when you see him in the hall."
The truth is Bob Smith and the rest of the idiots in Marketing aren't doing Jack Shit. My solution for cutting our burn rate is to flush anyone who is above the job title of peon. There are maybe two peons in the group who seem to think the department should measure customer needs and wants. Obviously, these radical thinkers need to be rescued.
We'll just tell anyone above peon up to the VP of PR that we're "Picking The Low Laying Fruit" as we escort them out the door. They like it when we use their bullshit phrases!
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.
The Election is Rigged!
Bush and Gore Grabbed by Body Snatchers!
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"How's the wife doing?"
"Tolerable."
"I'm waiting for someone to pull my string so I can say something really rude."
"Judging by your sentence structure, I'd guess you spent most of your time in college with your knees up."
"You're clouding the issue with logic again!"
"I'm basicly a reformed salesman."
"Dude, stay on the wagon!"
"I have no problem scavenging at the mis-fortune of others."
"I like you when you're groggy!"
"500 dollars to too much money to pay for good Karma."
"My entire career is a Kobayashi Maru test."
"Let's go to the meeting."
"Alright. Just let me wash my hands ... my face ... my dick!"
Excuse Me
I need to sign up for Intro to Communications for Geeks Who Talk to Boneheads.
Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2000 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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EOJ
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